In a divine wink from the Universe, I am a little late in getting this blog published. I am feeling my humanness. I had a particularly frustrating day yesterday. I had no capacity to write. This Trecena celebrates and offers us the opportunity to reflect upon what it means to be human. It invites us to find forgiveness for ourselves and for others when we embody those less than desirable qualities that all humans possess. The Trecena of Aq’ab’al brought the new concept of JOY in for me. I discovered my inner girl while sliding down waterfalls, zip lining, dancing and just FROLICKING. Returning home to confront my business was sobering, but not unmanageable. Not until yesterday. Yesterday found me impatient, exhausted and frustrated. What happened to my joyful girl? SHE WAS HAVING A TEMPER TANTRUM!
Today as I contemplated the theme of the next thirteen days, I had to giggle. To be human is not to be perfect or to feel good all of the time. The Mayan word Maq represents the veil that obscures our perception of Ajaw (God). This veil is what makes us human. According to the Mayan creation story described in the Popul Vuh, when the Gods fashioned the first humans, they created them without the ability to see the consequences of their actions. In doing so, humans must make mistakes to learn and expand their consciousness. Through reconciliation and forgiveness, we can achieve enlightenment. When we recognize that each of us is on our own journey, we can have compassion for the actions of others. We learn to respect the process of life as a human being on planet earth.
Since I lost my twin sister, I have struggled to forgive myself for not reaching out more and checking in on her during her last days. I knew she was struggling with her mental health. I had struggled with my own mental health the previous year. I had learned that I had to find the answers within to find my joy again. I expected her to do the same. Her suicide was a complete shock to me. She was taking steps to make changes and then SHE WAS JUST GONE. In the space of three months, she completely lost her center and felt unable to go on. I will always wonder if there was any action or words from me that would have kept her here with us. But, on this timeline she is gone and it serves no one for me to withhold forgiveness from myself. To be honest, her despair overwhelmed me. I was protecting my one inner peace which was quite fragile and I was serving the clients in my business. My tank was empty.
I will be taking as much time as I can for introspection in the coming days. Our birthday is later this month and it will be my first year celebrating without her. I want to arrive at the day in a place of wholeness that honors myself as a human, as a twin and now as a woman who is still a twin, but is now walking alone.
May you find forgiveness and compassion for yourself and others this Trecena.
Cara
Cara Carozza 