It’s been a minute. How are you doing? Truthfully, I have not been doing so well this past month. I am struggling to stay present and grounded. It’s felt like I am in the spin cycle of my washing machine.
My Dad’s health has taken a turn for the worse. His cancer is back and he is on life support. We have said goodbye four times now. I am clinging to a life raft of hope, but my grief threatens to breach the surface each time there is a new update. I now understand how cruel this disease can be, how the suffering expands and diffuses from the victim into the family.
My grief manifested in my lower back. I woke up and I could barely move without excruciating pain. Spirit was sitting on me and was not going to let me up until I felt some of the feelings I had been repressing. The pain in my back invited me to cry, so I let it flow. I sobbed and I shook. I wailed and I screamed. I gave my grief, anger and frustration full license to express.
I felt a release, but my back was still out and I began to wonder how I was going to get up to use the bathroom. Life was still there, insisting that I participate even though I couldn’t move. Sometimes the only thing we can do is be where we are and have compassion for ourselves.
For me that meant spending the entire weekend in bed watching Hallmark movies and eating cannabis edibles. I ignored my task master mind that told me I was being lazy and that I could surely find something productive to do while in bed and I SURRENDERED. And guess what? I woke up Monday morning with no back pain at all.
Sometimes what we need in order to cultivate presence in the face of chaos is to just have mercy on ourselves and allow ourselves to just be human. We don’t have to do it all, every day. We just need to show up and meet ourselves where we are. I invite you to do this the next time life throughs you a curveball.
In Peace and Love,
P.S. There is a new moon in Leo on the 28th. It’s a perfect time to set new intentions for fun, creativity, romance and entertainment.
Sorry to hear about your father. And the pain you have experienced through it. I’ll be praying for you, really I will. I’m not looking forward to being without our parents heading into the future.
Thank you Denny. Your prayers are greatly appreciated.